The "C" Word

As I rock Luke to sleep at night, I have been thinking about "what if I get Cancer"  and I always get very emotional; I cant help it.  I sit there rocking my baby to sleep and tears are running down my face, and I hold him tighter.  Cancer is very prominent in my thoughts right now because my dear Aunt Dawn has terminal Pancreatic Cancer and it is breaking me apart.  She has two boys... Yes they are somewhat grown, and not little like my two boys, but I can still relate on a huge level.  I think about what would happen to my family if something were to happen to me... and it really upsets me, as it would all moms.  I feel as if my soul has been cracked, I get this lump in my throat, and I wonder why?  Why her?  

She is in so much pain right now, and I just want to ease it somehow... to make it go away... to take it for her so that she can spend the rest of her time on this earth enjoying her loved ones.  The pain is so bad that she doesn't want to see anyone right now, and to be honest, I am really struggling with that.  I really want to see her.  To just sit with her, to lay with her, or just to even be in the same room as her, but I don't know if I am strong enough.  I don't know if I can look at her and not burst into a blubbering mess.  I just think of her and what she has done for my family and the tears just well up in my eyes.  She doesn't deserve this...why do bad things happen to good people?

My auntie has helped us by all of our homes because she is the BEST Realtor in this whole world :), but it was more then just buying a house... she helped us find our home... where we are going to stay the rest of our lives, where we are going to raise our children, and where we are going to make memories that can't ever be taken away.  She has always been there for me.. graduation, marriage, babies, homes, cancer walks, and even deaths.  She once told me that she hadn't been to her mothers grave because her mom told her not  to remember her there... but to remember her in her heart and to know that she will always be there to guide her... something that I think of now.  Sometimes I sit and try to remember all the smart, and insightful things that she has said or taught me, and I draw a blank, but then when a situation arises, I can hear her loud and clear.  Her voice will always be a strong and powerful force in my life... one that will guide me through my darkest hours, and one that I will hold high when life is plentiful.  

How blessed am I to have her as part of my life?  She always say that she is so lucky to have all these wonderful people around her and to support her... but the truth is, we are the lucky ones.  I pray that she can get her pain under control so that I can spend some more time with her...is that selfish?  Maybe I should be praying that she feels better so that she can decide how to spend her time?  Either way, I just want to know that she is feeling better, and that she can spend the rest of her time the way that she wants... but I can't promise that the second that she feels better, I wont be over there with open arms, looking for a hug!  That is another thing... the woman can give a hug like nobody's business!  Truly a reflection on her love for people.

And Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. 

~ Matthew 28:20

I love you, Auntie, and Prayers and happy thoughts coming your way always.