That Day...I Became A Monster

I was at the end of my rope... I didn't want to do it anymore... I had had enough... I could take one more minute of my life...

That might sound a little drastic, but that's how I felt one day last week... I had turned into a person that I didn't know.  I was quick to anger, nasty to my husband and had no patience with my children, and I told myself that I didn't want to do it anymore, I wanted to go back to work, join the army, become a hermit in the woods... anything other then what I was. 

After basically an entire day of meltdowns by me and the boys, I unleashed my wrath on Kyle.  I took everything out on him in a horrible way.  I blamed him for how I was feeling, I was mad that he wasn't there, I was completely unreasonable and down right nasty to him.  He in no way shape or form deserved anything that I threw at him.

Kyle got home and gave me a break so that I could just go and be by myself, and later, after the kids were in bed, I went into my bathroom, sat on the toilet with my head in my hands and just sobbed... so hard that I could hardly breath. The shame of feeling this way; the guilt had all caught up with me and I completely lost it.  He came into the bathroom and picked me up and just squeezed my tightly.  He said "it's not you against me or you against the kids, we are a team; we work together and we will figure this out because you aren't as alone as you feel"  (yes, I know that I married an amazing man) we talked for hours, and really worked out how I was feeling, and many more tears were shed, to the point where I was probably dehydrated haha.  Thank god for such a dedicated and patient husband, otherwise I might very well be divorced. He helped me find what I had lost... myself, my independence, my mind. 

I think that I found the source of my problem... I think that its been about 3 months... maybe longer since I had any time to myself.  I do everything with two boys and a dog by my side.  I cant even pee without someone pounding on the door or barging in, and I believe that I was feeling a little Closter phobic.  The boys have been bickering a lot lately and Luke has discovered that he can really upset his brother by hitting and kicking him and he is taking full advantage of that!  I understand that these are all typical behaviors and that its something that I am responsible for correcting, but I just didn't have it in me that day, and it overwhelmed me. 

How could I have let myself be like this?  How could I have let my kids see me upset?  How could I treat my husband so poorly?   How could I have been so nasty to everyone... thats not me at all.  completely opposite in fact, but I feel like I had turned into a monster.

I realize now that its so incredibly important for me to have time to myself to take a walk, go work out, just take a drive to...relax... Maybe just once a week, but I can see now how much I need that time away.  I have an amazing husband that completely supports me, but I need to take the initiative and say that I need that time, and the same for him... we both need time away to recharge and reflect.

We had a date night on Friday, and it was 5 hours of complete relaxation.  We went to dinner and I ordered something that I had to use and actual knife and fork to eat, and then we braved the elements (wind and dark clouds) and took our kayaks out.  It was so peaceful... the complete silence, and the sounds of the wind and water is just what my spirit needed. 

Today I am a much better mother, wife, and friend.  I have had a couple good talks with my Aunt Ginger and good friend Katie, and I know that what I went through, every mom goes through at some time, but I know now that I cant wait for anyone to just give me the time away, I need to speak up and tell my family when I need it.  Being a mom is hard... weather you stay home or leave for work, we are all moms and we all go through hard time...sometimes its just hard to admit it.

The bottom line is... I deeply love my boys and I am madly in love with my husband.  Nothing will ever change that.  I want my boys to think back some day and remember me as the strong, confident, fun loving, and caring mom that I am, not the mom that I became that day. They deserve to see the best part of me every day, and in order for me to give that to them, I need to keep myself mentally-physically-spiritually healthy.   I cannot allow myself to slip back in that rut of - I am too busy to take any time for me- obviously, that didn't work too well.  I know that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends... I have the support, I just need to use it :)

Good luck to all parents out there trying to find a balance between themselves and their families. Its a hard road that I think that we all go down at some point.