Now, I know that transition from staying home with Mama all day to going to school can be bumpy, but should it be this bumpy??? Maybe "Bumpy" is an understatement. I now refrain from telling Luke the night before that he will be going to school the next day because he will be up all night crying about it...all night, and that means no sleep for him or me and doesn't help him have a good day at school. When he realizes in the morning that he will be going to school that day, the hysterics start... screaming, hiding, throwing himself on the floor, kicking, refusing to brush teeth, refusing to get in the car, cries the entire time I walk Blake through his school to drop him off at his class. He screams the 10 minutes from Blake's school to his school yelling "don't leave me", he gags because he screams so hard and then he clings to me and I have to rip him off me and hand him to his teacher. and now... I am completely exhausted, and broken because I feel like I am putting him through hell.
I get in the car and just cry... It breaks my heart and I feel like I am putting him through more then I should, but I also feel like we have committed to this, and if I pull back now, am I sending the wrong message? Now, he is only 2 1/2. I thought he was ready, and this is the same wonderful preschool that Blake went to, so he knows the place and loves the teachers, and he is a pretty independent child... he is also determined and very stubborn. I thought that this would be a good way to get him playing with other kiddos (other then his brother) and have a break from me, and also learn a bit, but I wasn't really concerned about that... just wanted to get him playing with other kids, and get him a little more socialized.
What does my mother's intuition tell me? ... well, if I put all my emotion aside, I still feel like he's just not ready. My heart, my instinct, my overall gut feeling is that I should pull him, and try again next year. I almost feel like I am making him feel less confident, if that makes any sense?? I started writing this blog not really sure about what we were going to do, but after writing out all my thoughts and getting it organized; I feel like I have just made my decision. I don't even enjoy my free time. I go home and I just feel guilty. I will probably let all this marinate for a few more days since its the last day until next Tuesday before he has to go again, but I think today might be his last day. I am just starting to think that its not worth the blood, sweat and tears (literally) when he is so young and doesn't really have to be there yet. I might be doing more harm then good?? I don't know... ugh!!
All I know is that he doesn't smile like this at all on school days... I like to see him smile :)
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