I'm The Sister Of A Drug Addict

I am the sister of a drug addict, I have been the sister of a drug addict for over ten years.  Right now, I sit here and I don't know where my brother is.  He could be high, he could be hurt, he could be on the edge of death, or he could even be dead.  I always wonder if I have done the right things to help him... I wonder if my love has been too hard or it has been too comforting.  I wonder if my kids will ever really know him, or if were going to be attending his funeral.  I know so many things about being a drug addicts sister that it makes me sick... I've held it in for many years and not talked about it to anyone except Kyle and close family, but its time to talk about it.  My blog is my therapy, although many could argue that I might need professional help to deal with what's going on, but for right now, this is my saving grace...

I know what it feels like to want someone else to save him because I am too tired to keep trying.
I know what its like to go visit someone in rehab over 7 times in 7 different rehabs...maybe more, I lost count.
I have tried to forget about him.
I know what it feels like to get the call from your parents that he's doing bad things again.
I know what its like to hear people talk about him like he's a monster, and to secretly agree, and then feel guilty about it.
I have seen my parents and their marriage suffer for years.
I have believed his lies even though everything in my body tells me not to.
I know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep over it.
I know what its like when your grandpa asks for him in his final minutes of life and you have to just smile and tell him that he's on his way when you know he's high on someone's couch somewhere.
I know that feeling in the pit in your stomach when someone asks you how he's doing, and you just don't know what to say.
I hope and pray that I will not have children that behave like him...
I have forgotten that he does have a good heart, because all I see is a heroin addict.
If he dies, I almost feel like I would be set free... I know that's horrible, but i'm so tired of fighting for someone who doesn't fight harder then me.
If I don't here from him for a while, I always expect the worst.
I will never leave my kids with him alone.  I cant.
I am so angry with him, but I never want him to see that because I don't want to be the one that sends him over the edge.
My husband will never have a brother in law that he will have a relationship with.
We have been stolen from - Tools - Money - prescription meds - Kids Birthday Money...
I remember how he was as a kid, and it makes me so sad to think about who he is now.
most of the talks I have with my parents are about him, and what he has done bad now...
I don't want him to know that were going out of town because I am afraid that he will break in.
I hate that people call it a disease... cancer is a disease... disease isn't something that you choose to do.  It pisses me off that people call it a disease.

So, I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I don't know if I am going to get a call that he is dead, or that he is in jail, or that he checked into rehab again... maybe he will disappear and we will never know?  I don't know.  What I hope for really doesn't matter anymore.  Its not up to me, and believe me, I know that I cant fix anything or change him.  I cant make him stop and I cant make him want a healthy life.  I cant make him want a relationship with his nephews or with his parents... I just want him to know that I will never stop helping him fight...he just needs to be the one to throw the first punch.