Giggle Buddies

 These boys are so funny... they took blankets and covered their table to make a fort.  They are in there giggling and laughing.  Luke is apparently driving the ship and Blake is catching fish for them to eat and yelling "AHOY MATEY" They have been playing  "nicely" now for about 15 minutes, so I am just waiting for someone to scream out " HE HIT ME" and the brawl to begin, but for now, I am enjoying listening to their giggles :)

That Day...I Became A Monster

I was at the end of my rope... I didn't want to do it anymore... I had had enough... I could take one more minute of my life...

That might sound a little drastic, but that's how I felt one day last week... I had turned into a person that I didn't know.  I was quick to anger, nasty to my husband and had no patience with my children, and I told myself that I didn't want to do it anymore, I wanted to go back to work, join the army, become a hermit in the woods... anything other then what I was. 

After basically an entire day of meltdowns by me and the boys, I unleashed my wrath on Kyle.  I took everything out on him in a horrible way.  I blamed him for how I was feeling, I was mad that he wasn't there, I was completely unreasonable and down right nasty to him.  He in no way shape or form deserved anything that I threw at him.

Kyle got home and gave me a break so that I could just go and be by myself, and later, after the kids were in bed, I went into my bathroom, sat on the toilet with my head in my hands and just sobbed... so hard that I could hardly breath. The shame of feeling this way; the guilt had all caught up with me and I completely lost it.  He came into the bathroom and picked me up and just squeezed my tightly.  He said "it's not you against me or you against the kids, we are a team; we work together and we will figure this out because you aren't as alone as you feel"  (yes, I know that I married an amazing man) we talked for hours, and really worked out how I was feeling, and many more tears were shed, to the point where I was probably dehydrated haha.  Thank god for such a dedicated and patient husband, otherwise I might very well be divorced. He helped me find what I had lost... myself, my independence, my mind. 

I think that I found the source of my problem... I think that its been about 3 months... maybe longer since I had any time to myself.  I do everything with two boys and a dog by my side.  I cant even pee without someone pounding on the door or barging in, and I believe that I was feeling a little Closter phobic.  The boys have been bickering a lot lately and Luke has discovered that he can really upset his brother by hitting and kicking him and he is taking full advantage of that!  I understand that these are all typical behaviors and that its something that I am responsible for correcting, but I just didn't have it in me that day, and it overwhelmed me. 

How could I have let myself be like this?  How could I have let my kids see me upset?  How could I treat my husband so poorly?   How could I have been so nasty to everyone... thats not me at all.  completely opposite in fact, but I feel like I had turned into a monster.

I realize now that its so incredibly important for me to have time to myself to take a walk, go work out, just take a drive to...relax... Maybe just once a week, but I can see now how much I need that time away.  I have an amazing husband that completely supports me, but I need to take the initiative and say that I need that time, and the same for him... we both need time away to recharge and reflect.

We had a date night on Friday, and it was 5 hours of complete relaxation.  We went to dinner and I ordered something that I had to use and actual knife and fork to eat, and then we braved the elements (wind and dark clouds) and took our kayaks out.  It was so peaceful... the complete silence, and the sounds of the wind and water is just what my spirit needed. 

Today I am a much better mother, wife, and friend.  I have had a couple good talks with my Aunt Ginger and good friend Katie, and I know that what I went through, every mom goes through at some time, but I know now that I cant wait for anyone to just give me the time away, I need to speak up and tell my family when I need it.  Being a mom is hard... weather you stay home or leave for work, we are all moms and we all go through hard time...sometimes its just hard to admit it.

The bottom line is... I deeply love my boys and I am madly in love with my husband.  Nothing will ever change that.  I want my boys to think back some day and remember me as the strong, confident, fun loving, and caring mom that I am, not the mom that I became that day. They deserve to see the best part of me every day, and in order for me to give that to them, I need to keep myself mentally-physically-spiritually healthy.   I cannot allow myself to slip back in that rut of - I am too busy to take any time for me- obviously, that didn't work too well.  I know that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends... I have the support, I just need to use it :)

Good luck to all parents out there trying to find a balance between themselves and their families. Its a hard road that I think that we all go down at some point. 

This Old Man

Max... What is a parent to do when their 17 year old daughter comes home with a Golden Retriever puppy?  Well... I guess they keep him, and they love him unconditionally.  Even as she grows up, moves out, gets married, and has children of her own, they keep him.  He occasionally visits her and stays weekends and she watches him when her parents go out of town.  Max is my dog, but I have never taken complete responsibility for him... My parents have always taken care of him.

Max is now 12 years old.  He has a droopy face, white hair, missing teeth, and mostly just likes to lay around.  Not the crazy energetic pup that I can remember.  He could swim rivers and run up cliffs faster then I had ever imagined, now his hips bother him, and he is slow to get up.  He is amazing dog.  He has out lived two of my dogs, and now lets Kona jump all over him and bite his ears.

He has spent a lot of time at our house the past few weeks since my parents have been out of town.  I think Kona helps keep him young... but next to a young pup, he sure looks old... hes such a sweet old man :)

                           
                                                             Max at my wedding

My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE picture of us :)

Sweet old man...

Kona keeping Maxie young :)

Fun In The Sun

We have had some rather grey weather this week... kind of depressing!! We had so much fun playing in the sun last week... I almost felt a little guilty sitting out in the sun and watching the kids play as my husband sat in his office and attended meetings... Oh well, guess this is one of my job perks. :).  I am hoping that looking at these fun pictures of us playing in the sun last week will help me get through this gloomy...grey...cold...wet...depressing day.  I cant wait for some more sunshine... We love playing outside :)

 

 

 

My Busy / Lazy Monday

I have a love/hate relationship with Monday.  I dislike Mondays for the obvious reasons... Daddy going to work, loads of laundry to catch up on, and messes to put away.  Our weekends are reserved for fun.  I do not do laundry, bills, organizing, or anything that takes me away from my family on the weekends.  I do dishes and I would vacuum if necessary, but I like to have everything spick and span by Friday afternoon when Daddy gets home so we are ready to play, play, play!!!

Mondays are also very rewarding for me... I almost get a high when all the laundry from the weekend is done, put away and the laundry room is free and clear of clutter.  I plan the meals for the week, clean out the chicken coop and just get everything organized for the upcoming week.  that being said, on Mondays, the kids usually watch a little more TV then I would like, and we might not get dressed and ready to go for the day until after naptime :)  Just the way that it is on Mondays... I need the time to get the week set up and usually, after a crazy and busy weekend, the kids need a little down time to get their bearings back.  We go hard on the weekends... usually without naps and late bedtimes, but that's okay... the weekends are for fun in our house...no complaints. 

Last Weeks Adventures

Blake left last week with his Grandma and Grandpa Rogers to Missouri to visit some of Monty's family.  This was a very hard week for us, not having him here, but he did so well and I am so thankful that Monty and Tammy took him and gave him that experience as well as the being able to meet all his little 2nd and probably 3rd cousins.  From what I hear, he did amazingly well, and had very few meltdowns... I cant imagine being 4 and half way across the country without my parents in a different time zone and away from everything familiar.  I am so glad that he did so well... just a sign that he is very well adjusted and that his confidence is growing.  there was a point where he wouldn't have left my side... so proud of the little gentlemen that he is growing up to be. 

Luke had a rough few days... he missed his brother greatly, but we kept him super busy, so it really helped all of us not think about how much we missed him.  We had a house painting party at my Grandma Howards that was very successful, we had an adults only birthday party for Kyle that was a lot of fun, we went thrift-store treasure hunting with Grandpa Jump, took the Kayaks out, had some picnics and went to a wedding where we left Luke with a babysitter for the first time... he did great, and SOOO thankful for Miss Connie!!  She is AMAZING!! 

While in Missouri, Blake had many adventures... hiking, BBQ's, Baseball games, and so much more that I am still hearing about.  We all had a crazy week, and we are excited to really slow down this week... get back into the swing of things and as spoiled as Blake was while he was gone...I wouldn't have expected anything less, he has adjusted back very well... Its like he hasn't missed a beat.  Thank you Monty and Tammy for taking Blake on his first solo adventure... Mama approves of many more...

Oh, and this morning I asked Blake what he wanted for breakfast, and he said that he wanted French toast, so I whipped it up real fast, and I got the best compliment ever.... nothing can ever beat this.  Blake looked at me and said "Mom, I really missed the way that your food tastes"... seriously, my eyes started to well up.   Anyone that really cooks for their families every day, knows what a complement that is :)

Now, they are playing together and things are starting to feel normal again... especially because they just started to hit each other ;)

Luke Turns 2!!

I know that I am a little late in doing this, but I need to wish my baby boy a happy birthday.  On May 12th, my sweet little man turned 2!  That marks 2 years that I have been a stay at home Mama too... we have all learned so much these last two years and our littlest man has helped us grow in so many ways.  I cant imagine our lives without his love... he has rounded us all out and we are so happy with our life with two little boys :)

Luke.... such a small name for such a big personality!  He is so loving but such a firecracker at the same time!  He can go 500 miles an hour, but then he will stop dead in his tracks look at me and say "Mama, I love you"  He can melt my heart and send me into a tail-spin all at the same time.  He is so smart and so caring.  He has wonderful manors, and gives the sweetest hugs.  He will fight with his brother but then give him a hug to say that he's sorry, and the little bugger hides in the closet to poop!  He loves to be barefoot, eat Mac and Cheese, steal M&M's, and squeeze toothpaste all over the bathroom.  He chases chickens, snuggles with dogs, and really wants a goat (still thinking about that one)  and he puts a smile on our face everyday. 

We surly do love our little man!!